The Bigfeels journal
Notes on the practice.
Field notes, guides, and the thinking behind Bigfeels.
Latest · 7 min read
Why Does My Child Lie? The Milestone Behind Lying (and Why Punishment Makes It Worse)
Why does my child lie, even about the obvious? Lying is a developmental milestone, not a moral failure — and punishing it harder only builds better liars.
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More from the journal
- 02
How to Teach a Child Patience: Why 'Just Wait' Fails (and What the Marshmallow Test Really Found)
How to teach a child patience when 'just wait' fails: what the marshmallow test really found, and why a sand timer beats willpower for kids under nine.
2026-07-13
6 min read
- 03
Why Your Child Laughs When They're in Trouble (It's Stress, Not Disrespect)
Why your child laughs when in trouble: nervous laughter is a stress release, not defiance. The psychology behind the grin — and what to do instead of escalating.
2026-07-12
6 min read
- 04
Why Is My Child Regressing? Baby Talk, Clinginess, and What the Backslide Really Means
Why is my child regressing? Baby talk and clinginess in a 4–9 year old usually signal stress, not lost skills. Here's what the backslide is really asking for.
2026-07-12
6 min read
- 05
Why Your Child Hides When They're in Trouble (It's Shame, Not Defiance)
Why does your child hide when in trouble — or laugh? It's shame, not defiance. Learn the shame-vs-guilt science and how to respond so kids can actually repair.
2026-07-11
7 min read
- 06
Why Do Siblings Fight So Much? The Real Prize Isn't the Toy — It's You
Why do siblings fight so much? Because the prize is you. Learn what mediation research says about ending constant fights — without playing judge.
2026-07-11
6 min read
- 07
Why Your Child Won't Share (and the Turn-Taking Trick That Works Better Than Forcing It)
Why your child won't share isn't selfishness — it's a trust problem. The research on waiting, and the turn-taking method that teaches real generosity.
2026-07-10
7 min read
- 08
Why Your Child Melts Down Over a Broken Cracker (and What They're Actually Grieving)
Why does my child melt down over small things like a broken cracker? Not manipulation — a shattered prediction. Here's what's really happening, and what to say.
2026-07-10
7 min read
- 09
Excited and Scared at the Same Time: Teaching Kids About Mixed Emotions
Young kids often can't hold two feelings at once — that's development, not drama. Teaching kids about mixed emotions gives them language for the in-between.
2026-07-10
7 min read
- 10
Why Your Child Says "I'm Stupid" After a Mistake (and How to Answer Without Praising)
When your child says "I'm stupid" after a mistake, it isn't low confidence — it's shame. Here's what's happening in their mind, and the one sentence that shrinks it.
2026-07-09
7 min read
- 11
Why Forcing Your Child to Say Sorry Doesn't Work (and What Teaches Real Repair Instead)
Forcing kids to say sorry teaches them to end a conflict, not to feel one. Here's what shame research says about apologies — and the four-part repair that actually builds a conscience.
2026-07-09
7 min read
- 12
Why Your Child Says "I Hate You" (and What They Actually Mean)
When your child says "I hate you," it rarely means what the words say. Here's what's really happening in an overwhelmed brain — and how to respond without shame.
2026-07-08
7 min read
- 13
Why Your Anxious Child Keeps Asking the Same Question (and How to Answer Without Feeding the Worry)
When your child keeps asking the same worried question, answering again can quietly feed the anxiety. Here's what reassurance-seeking really is, and how to respond.
2026-07-08
6 min read
- 14
Why Moving Their Body Calms an Upset Child (and What to Try Before You Talk)
Movement to calm an upset child works when words don't. Here's the body science behind big feelings, and simple physical ways to help kids settle before the talking starts.
2026-07-07
6 min read
- 15
Why Drop-Off Is So Hard for Your Child (and How a Goodbye Ritual Makes It Easier)
Child separation anxiety at drop-off isn't defiance or a bad habit—it's attachment doing its job. Here's the science behind the tears and the goodbye ritual that actually helps.
2026-07-07
6 min read
- 16
Why Your Child's Whining Is So Hard to Ignore (and What It's Really Asking For)
Why does my child whine so much? Research shows whining hijacks your attention by design. Here's the need underneath the sound—and how to answer it without giving in.
2026-07-06
7 min read
- 17
Modeling Emotions for Kids: How Naming Your Own Feelings Out Loud Teaches Theirs
Kids can only name the feelings they've heard named. Here's how to model emotions for your child by narrating your own out loud, so they build the words before the meltdown.
2026-07-06
6 min read
- 18
How to Validate Your Child's Feelings (and Why "You're Okay" Makes the Crying Worse)
Learn how to validate your child's feelings — and why "you're okay" often makes crying worse. What research says about dismissed emotions, plus scripts that actually help.
2026-07-05
7 min read
- 19
How to Get Your Child to Talk About Their Feelings (When All You Get Is "Fine")
How to get my child to talk about their feelings: why 'how was your day?' fails, and the small shifts—cued questions, side-by-side talk, going first—that open kids up.
2026-07-05
7 min read
- 20
Why 'Take a Deep Breath' Doesn't Work for Kids (and How to Teach Breathing That Does)
Telling a dysregulated child to 'just breathe' often backfires. Here's how to teach kids deep breathing that actually calms — the exhale trick, props, and play.
2026-07-04
7 min read
- 21
Why Kids Hit When They're Angry (and How to Teach the Pause That Comes Before the Hand)
Why does my child hit when angry? The science of impulse control in young kids — why the hand moves before the thought, and how to teach the pause.
2026-07-04
7 min read
- 22
Why Your Child Melts Down When Losing Games (and How to Teach Good Losing)
Why your child melts down when losing games — the developmental science of frustration tolerance, and how family game night can quietly teach kids to lose without falling apart.
2026-07-03
7 min read
- 23
Bedtime Worries in Kids: Why Fears Come Out at Lights-Out (and How to Move Them Earlier)
Bedtime worries in kids aren't stalling — lights-out is the first quiet moment all day. Here's the psychology behind night fears, and how a daytime 'worry time' helps.
2026-07-03
7 min read
- 24
The Daily Feelings Check-In: Why Kids Learn Emotion Skills in Calm Moments, Not Meltdowns
A daily feelings check-in for kids builds emotional skills when they can actually learn: the calm moments. The research behind it, plus a two-minute script.
2026-07-02
6 min read
- 25
What to Do When Your Child Wants Something They Can't Have: Give the Wish in Fantasy
What to do when your child wants something they can't have: instead of explaining why not, give the wish in fantasy. A calmer way to handle no without a meltdown.
2026-06-27
7 min read
- 26
Feelings Come and Go: How to Teach Kids That Big Emotions Don't Last Forever
When you teach kids that feelings come and go, a meltdown stops feeling like the end of the world. Here's the gentle, science-backed language that helps emotions pass.
2026-06-27
7 min read
- 27
The Window of Tolerance: Why Your Child Can Handle a Lot Some Days and Almost Nothing Others
The window of tolerance for kids explains why the same spilled juice causes a shrug one day and a meltdown the next. Learn to spot the zone and widen it.
2026-06-26
7 min read
- 28
The Anger Iceberg: What's Really Underneath Your Child's Outbursts
The anger iceberg explains why a child's outbursts are rarely about anger at all. Here's how to find the fear, hurt, or overwhelm hiding just under the surface.
2026-06-26
6 min read
- 29
Setting Limits With Empathy: How to Say No and Still Hold the Feeling
Setting limits with empathy means you can hold the boundary and the big feeling at the same time. Here's how 'both/and' parenting calms kids without giving in.
2026-06-26
7 min read
- 30
The Hand Model of the Brain: How to Show a Child What Happens When They 'Flip Their Lid'
The hand model of the brain for kids turns a meltdown into something a child can see and understand. Here's how to teach it, and why it works on real neuroscience.
2026-06-24
6 min read
- 31
How Long Do Tantrums Really Last? The 90-Second Wave Behind Big Feelings
How long do tantrums last? A single emotion runs about 90 seconds in the body before its chemistry clears. Learn the science of riding the wave with your child.
2026-06-24
7 min read
- 32
After-School Restraint Collapse: Why Your Child Falls Apart the Moment They See You
After-school restraint collapse explains why kids melt down at pickup after a 'good day.' Learn the science of why home feels safe enough to fall apart, and how to help.
2026-06-23
7 min read
- 33
Why Transitions Cause Meltdowns in Young Kids (and How to Make Them Easier)
Why transitions cause meltdowns in young kids—and a calm, science-backed way to ease the switch from one activity to the next without the daily power struggle.
2026-06-22
7 min read
- 34
Self-Distancing for Kids: Why Talking About Themselves in the Third Person Calms Big Feelings
Self-distancing for kids is a research-backed way to shrink big feelings. Learn how third-person self-talk and the "Batman Effect" help children pause before they erupt.
2026-06-22
6 min read
- 35
How to Reconnect With Your Child After You Lose Your Temper
How to reconnect with your child after yelling, using the rupture-and-repair research that shows the apology matters more than the perfect moment you wish you'd had.
2026-06-21
7 min read
- 36
Emotion Coaching: What to Do in the Small Moments, Not Just the Meltdowns
Emotion coaching for kids means treating small upsets as teaching moments. Here's what psychologist John Gottman's research found, and how to do it at home.
2026-06-21
7 min read
- 37
Where Do You Feel It? Helping Young Kids Find Big Emotions in Their Bodies
Learn how to help kids identify feelings in their body — the interoception skill that lets a 4–9 year old catch a big emotion before it becomes a meltdown.
2026-06-18
6 min read
- 38
What Is Co-Regulation? How Young Kids Borrow Your Calm Before They Can Find Their Own
Co-regulation is how children learn to settle big emotions — by borrowing a grown-up's calm nervous system first. Here's what it looks like and why it works.
2026-06-13
7 min read
- 39
How to Keep a Mood Journaling Habit Without Streak Guilt
Building a mood journaling habit that survives a missed day. Why streaks backfire, how to design a forgiving cadence, and the practice that lasts for years.
2026-06-11
5 min read
- 40
How to Help Your Child Calm Down Without Saying "Calm Down"
Learn how to help your child calm down using co-regulation — the science of why young kids borrow your nervous system before they can ever steady their own.
2026-06-11
6 min read
- 41
Mood Journal, Gratitude Journal, or Therapy: What Each Is For
Mood journal vs gratitude journal vs therapy — they solve different problems. A clear guide to what each one actually does, and how to tell which you need.
2026-06-08
5 min read
- 42
When Anxiety Spikes: A Small Practice for a Hard Week
How to calm an anxiety spike without fighting it: a body-first practice for the moment your nervous system floods, and how to get through a genuinely hard week.
2026-06-03
5 min read
- 43
A Beginner's Guide to Naming What You Feel
If naming your feelings feels impossible, you're not broken. A beginner's guide to emotional self-awareness — starting from the body, building from six words up.
2026-05-30
5 min read
- 44
Why Mood Tracking Stops Working, and How to Fix It
Why mood tracking fails for most people: the data goes in but nothing comes out. The design flaws that kill the habit, and how to make tracking pay you back.
2026-05-25
5 min read
- 45
Emotional Granularity: Why the Exact Word Calms You
Emotional granularity is the skill of naming feelings precisely. The science of why 'disappointed' regulates better than 'bad' — and how to build the vocabulary.
2026-05-19
5 min read
- 46
Does Venting Actually Help, or Just Keep the Fire Lit?
Does venting help? The catharsis theory is one of psychology's most durable myths. Why repeating a feeling can deepen it — and what naming it does instead.
2026-05-13
5 min read
- 47
How to Start a Mood Journal You'll Actually Keep
A practical guide to how to start a mood journal as an adult — what to record, how long it should take, and why the smallest version is the one that lasts.
2026-05-07
5 min read